By the year 2010, stepfamilies will be the predominant type of family in America. Commonly referred to as “blended” marriages, such unions, which often include children from both sides, bring with them unique problems not faced by first marriage families. “I think the term ‘blended marriage’ is a good metaphor because people going through it say that it feels like they’ve been put through a big blender,” said David O’Byrne, a marriage and family counselor with Catholic Charities, and a stepparent himself. “This is a time of great upheaval for everyone involved. They’re being tossed around a lot.” However, he stops at describing remarriages as being actually “blended.” Instead, O’Byrne said, the family created by remarriage is better thought of as two families living in harmony. It’s important that each maintain its separate, distinct identity. Peggy and Chris Hildreth agree. A blended family since 1994, they give talks to new and prospective stepfamilies about the pitfalls and triumphs of step parenting, drawing on their own experiences bringing their two families together. An Intimate Outsider Stepparents often attempt to create the same kind of family as the first marriage family, one in which the new parent is accepted as a full member by the children. In reality, however, it rarely happens that way. O’Byrne faced a particularly difficult challenge when he married Nancy seven years ago in that he, a former priest, hadn’t taken on the responsibilities of being a parent. He said he came into the role of stepfather with the same unrealistic expectation a lot of people have, that of instantaneous acceptance by the children. It didn’t take him long to realize it wouldn’t be that easy. “In my first two years as a stepparent, I was invisible,” said O’Byrne. “They just looked right past me.” But it wasn’t because of anything he had done to alienate his three stepchildren. It’s simply that it would take time for them to accept him as a full part of the family. “Love comes slowly, if at all,” he said of the stepchild’s feelings toward the new stepparent. “You’ll be an intimate outsider. You want to get close but you’ll always be on the outside. And that’s OK.” Separate But Equal The hierarchy of the family unit provides the children with a unique sense of who they are based on their birth order. That positioning should continue with the blended family, even if the numbers don’t add up. In the Hildreth’s case, they each had a son who was the oldest member of the family and a daughter as the youngest. When they married, chronologically Peggy’s son was no longer the oldest and Chris’s daughter was no longer the baby of the household. But, in the family’s spirit, each child’s station didn’t change when the two families came together. That’s an important consideration for each family to make, since a child’s identity is tied to his or her place within the family structure. It’s easier to accomplish if the families maintain a sense of separateness and individuality. “We really feel that we do have two separate families,” Chris said. “It’s better if you respect the two families as they are.” Despite this apparent dichotomy, the two families will be able to function as one, the experts maintain. But the integration of the two families into a cohesive unit is a slow process. And, O’Byrne cautions, it is an outcome that may never take place. “At the outside, it takes two or more years to settle down,” he said. “You have to ask yourself, are you ready to wait?” The Unbreakable Bond Understanding the needs of each of the children in a remarriage is a vital part of creating a harmonious atmosphere. The children need to feel that the relationship to their own parent is just as strong as it ever was, even with the addition of a new parent. “Remember, that parent/child relationship predates your relationship,” O’Byrne said. Peggy Hildreth said she realized early in her marriage to Chris that she could not bend the bond he had with his daughter, nor, she discovered, did she want to. During a family vacation, Chris’s youngest daughter kept trying to physically wedge herself between the couple, taking her dad’s hand and forcing Peggy to walk behind them. At first, Peggy felt as if she were being pushed away. Then she realized that her stepdaughter was just taking her rightful place next to her father, the place she had belonged since she was born. “I’m really an outsider in that relationship, big time,” Peggy said. “I finally realized I had to let her have him. It was just a war and I wasn’t going to win.” For Peggy’s son, who, at age nine, had been the “man of the family” since his parents’ divorce, the addition of Chris into the family meant his place was going to be supplanted by a new father. It was not a role he was prepared to relinquish. “He told me, ‘Chris can’t take care of you like I do,’” Peggy said. “He didn’t think I needed to marry Chris.” “All I saw was the back of his head for a few months,” Chris said of his stepson’s initial reaction to him. Over the years, however, their relationship has changed and improved. Making Discipline Work Maintaining discipline in the blended family is one of the most troubling aspects of step parenting and the one that causes the majority of serious problems in new marriages. Peggy says her discipline style is akin to “still waters run deep” – she’s calm but firm. Husband Chris admits he is a screamer. For them, the key to successful discipline is to present a united front, allowing the natural parent to lead the way, with backup provided by the stepparent. That’s not to say that the stepparent has to delay discipline if the natural parent isn’t available, however. The stepparent needs to discipline in a way the child responds to, if that’s possible. In Chris’s case, it’s often not easy for him to remain calm in the face of misbehavior by his stepchildren. “I go out in the backyard and do my Yosemite Sam, and then it’s OK,” Chris said. As long as the discipline is consistent, as long as the children understand the rules of the household, they should be able to take discipline from either parent. The Couple Connection For families struggling with the issues of remarriage, coping with problems, the first few years may make the future seem bleak. Communication between the husband and wife at all levels can serve to keep the marriage strong, despite problems with the children or other outside forces. “It’s essential to communicate well,” O’Byrne advises newly married couples. “That will help the marriage bond and reduce the stress you’re going through.” He added that the couple connection is one of the most important to maintain and the one that gives stability to the family. “Remember there’s a reason you got married in the first place,” advises Peggy. “When the kids are all gone, it’s going to be us who are still there.” “Our relationship is what’s most important,” Chris added. “That’s what we spend the bulk of our work on.” Linda Gilbertson is a Jacksonville-based freelance writer.